Let me begin by letting you in on a lifelong process of some forms of self-abuse that I am very familiar with that accompanied me down many dark roads, into many dark situations, toward loss, anger, sadness and a whole candy dish full of miserable accomplices.

Self-blame. A paramount form of emotional self-abuse. For years I have failed to recognize my own humanity. I never understood the balance of responsibility that usually led me into many puncture holes of misassigning that responsibility which in turn became my penance to self-blame. My instinct took that blame and turned it into shame. I took on many responsibilities, however, that were not my own and I became burdened with this horrible self-devaluation that paralyzed me from moving forward.

I ask myself, often when I can’t sleep because my brain is racing to the finish line, “Why do I dwell in the illusion of perfectionism and a need to be right”?   Then it came to me as I was trying to find the perfect position to keep my painful body comfortable. My perception has been wrong. My belief system hasn’t been working for me because I have not been entirely reliant on Gods goodness.

The Apostle Paul wrote:

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit” Romans 8:1

Our spiritual nature is given to us by God who made us in His image and likeness. Paul, who once persecuted Christians and even had them killed, recognized his misunderstandings of Jesus and the true nature of God and felt great shame and self-blame for what he had done. He quickly embraced Gods love in it truest form and became completely transformed. Through Gods grace, he became an outstanding healer and teacher of the truth that Jesus Christ came to reveal. God is always good. His purpose for us is always good!

This life is not my own. For me to live full of hope, generosity, inspiration and love I seek to understand each one in their Godly form. Perfection is stunningly imperfect. We are all beautiful disasters. When I can see imperfection as an opportunity that creates new adventures for learning and self-discovery I can begin and maintain personal growth.

I seek to acknowledge my part with Gods guidance, dignity and authenticity. I know with Him I will find freedom from looking down upon myself in shame. The degrading, soul-breaking self-accusations can be returned to the enemy. The one who lurks seeking to destroy a heart seeking to give praise and devotion to the One True King will never rest, but he will never win either.

My mortal model is flawed. I am not who I say I am and I am not a label given by others. Gods word provides love, purity, intelligence and truth.

by Allyson Collins